Trigger warning ? ……miscarriage
It didn’t even cross my mind that it was a possibility…we excitedly told our extended family and started to envision what life would look like as our family was about to grow from a family of 4 to hubs and I with a big kid+ 2 under 2 ????
I walked into my ultrasound so focused on finding out my due date because my cycle was so irregular with breastfeeding that I didn’t even think about anything else. Because of Covid restrictions I had to go in alone, and of all the appointments I’ve ever been to, this was one I wished hubs was by my side.
When I saw our little baby on the TV, she was much smaller than I expected based on how far along we guessed I was. The ultrasound tech took all the measurements and said she had to go talk with the doc. At this point, I still didn’t have any clue something wasn’t right.
She came back into the room much quicker than I expected and without any time to prepare my heart, the words “I wasn’t able to find your baby’s heartbeat” spilled out of her mouth. I sat in shock and disbelief, praying that she had made an error in the measurements and that I was just too early in my pregnancy for them to hear baby’s heartbeat. This wasn’t what I was supposed to be finding out in an appointment I was so excited about.
As I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping I was just imagining all of it, the tech continued to tell me that it was very likely I didn’t have a viable pregnancy and that our baby probably wouldn’t make it, but to follow-up with my doctor to see where to go from here. I stumbled out of the ultrasound room feeling like I had just been t-boned on the highway going 130km/hr. This couldn’t be real.
The next week was a blur of anxiety as I went to get blood work done every 3 days to measure my HCG levels. All the while nervously counting down the days until my OB appointment. Because I had to go to a walk-in clinic to get the referral for my OB (thank you Alberta family physician shortage), multiple doctors from the walk-in received my ultrasound report and called me at different times to tell me I was having a missed miscarriage. Bless their heart for their best intention to follow-up, but talk about being reminded of your worst nightmare over and over again.
I felt fine and still had ALL the pregnancy symptoms so I tried to brush off all the calls hoping my OB would tell me something different since I hadn’t heard from him ??….. he surely would have received my ultrasound report by now and would have followed up after I called to book an urgent appointment.
6 loooooong days later, on the night before my scheduled OB appointment…..what I didn’t want to believe from all the doctors who had called me was finally happening and I knew we lost her.
My body had finally caught on and the cramping and dull back pain started followed by the bleeding. My bleeding got heavier the next day, and by the time I was putting our littlest to bed, I had passed a large mass of tissue with sac fully intact……and there she was right in front of my eyes.
Sometime in October her heart stopped beating but she clung on to her mama a little longer just to spend a little more time with us. Perhaps she was giving me some time to hold her tight before she said her final goodbye, and for that I’m grateful we got some extra time together.
I’m also grateful for the special memorial mass organized by the Archdiocese of Calgary for us to say goodbye, along with 40 other families who also have angel babies now up in heaven. Being there together with our brothers and sisters, silently praying for each other’s families was surprisingly very healing.
Sometimes we don’t understand why things happen the way they do, but…..
we keep trusting.
we keep believing.
we keep hoping.
“For I know the plans I have for you,”declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Emma Rose MacLeod, your time here with us was short but you’ve already taught mama so much. Even though my womb feels hollow and cold, my heart feels warm knowing you are in a beautiful place with Jesus. Sweet baby girl, mommy, daddy, big sis and big bro love you so much. We know you are watching us from up above and we can’t wait to give you a big hug when it’s our time to meet you.